still not charting. though I know I am ovulating!oh well...so much for that idea right now. it's funny though, since I had my kiddos I can FEEL ovulation so much more distinctly and I also can feel when my cycle is starting. I get these funky cervical twinges. almost like I can feel my cervix moving down. Otherwise I need to schedule a pap soon. oh joy. I am torn between seeing the dr. who delivered my son and the dr. who delivered my daughter. I really like both of them..I have thought of seeing a mw but still am not ready for that after my past experience. thankfully I have had great experiences with both dr's. (especially DD's who saw me after I transferred from a planned UC) he was pretty great about it.lol. the only thing is he cut me! I soooo did not want an episiotomy but I didn't stop him either. I was too scared at the time (due to being a UC transfer) Sadly,I was willing to get cut rather than make waves. thankfully I healed without any problems.

otherwise I am feeling really guilty about the whole baby issue latley. there's so many women who can't even have one child and here I want 3! (or more!) what is wrong with me?

AF should be starting any day now. PMS sucks. I will start charting this month (yet again). there really is no reason for the charting. just something to do really. I am pretty in tune with my cycles and they are like clockwork. plus when I start TTC I will get a clear blue easy fertility monitor again for sure. My mom and I were talking the other day about finding a donor that looks like my late DH, so the kids will hopefully look somewhat alike..so weird to even be contemplating such an issue.. but it's something I must consider. My 3yo has been asking ALOT latley when we are getting a new baby. I mentioned having a brother or sister one day ONCE a couple months ago and he hasn't forgotten it!

I have been ignoring my charting. oops.
will try again next month! =)

trying to push the whole baby issue out my mind this week (The key word is trying) whatever I do though I still come back to it. I just need to figure out if this is the right thing to do or if my reasons are purely selfish. It seems like the whole world is against it, yet I keep dreaming of a little light that seems meant to be.

I was feeling really discouraged and OLD the other day. Then I started reading a message board of all women in their 40's starting families. It really gave me alot of much needed hope! and why not? why shouldn't I have another baby? I haven't thought of 1 good reason why I shouldn't if it's planned. hell maybe I will even just have two! Now that would really get peoples underwear in a twist. lol.

sad

I know this is probably considered heresay and I have ALOT more research to do, but I recieved this news from a friend who asked a mw she knows about my concerns with a subsequent pregnancy after placenta accreta (my main concern if I decide to get pg again) apparently it IS a concern I should worry about.

I am soooo upset. I don't know if another baby is worth another c/s. Plus how would I even DO that with no one at all to help me? OMG I just want to cry thinking about the torture I went through after D was born. Just picking him up was hard! =(

My rational mind tells me there's nothing to worry about and this can be dealt with. somehow. I just don't know though. Will I be risking my life if I decide to have another baby?

This same mw suggest I look into Asherman's Syndrome, which I likely have (fancy name for uterine scarring)




ok here's what the mw said;

The recurrance of acreta and it's sister-conditions is VERY high. Please, please tell her to find a doctor and radiologist who can do a diagnostic MRI around the 33-week mark to look for any evidence of a placental problem. Many doctors are unaware that this can be done, but it's the most accurate way to find out what you're dealing with prior to delivery. I would also highly recommend a planned c-section with a skilled team of doctors around, ready to work to save her uterus or deal with high-volume blood loss. If she is through having children, or just doesn't want to worry about it any more, she could also opt for a hysterectomy (partial) at the time of the c-section. For me, I'd rather keep my uterus, but not all women feel that way.

started my chart today

temping at least.trying to just get into the habit. AF hasn't started yet (another week or so)

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/74335

it kind of makes me sad because there was some (incomplete) info. up there from when DH and I were ttc baby #2 in 2004. wasn't expecting that! sigh..

a comforting note of encouragement

received this from a friend online this morning..it made me smile.

April,
I don't think this is nuts at all. I wonder if your dh is cavorting with your next unborn at this moment. I really believe our children are handpicked for us. Perhaps your dh is working a "greater good" right now. Just a thought. Glad to see you post!
Hugs,
Susie

hello! hello! hello!

Hi! I am a 32 year old single widowed mom of two wonderful kiddos. My oldest is 3yo and my baby is 20mo!

Before my DH died (Aug '05) he and I had planned on having one or two more babies. it's a hard dream to abandon. and latley it is just a knawing feeling that won't go away. DH & I used to joke about how baby obsessed I become when I decided I want to get pg. lol.

I have been thinking about using a sperm donor (self insemination) for over a year to possibly have a 3rd child on my own. I have put the thought aside but as time goes on I feel very strongly this is my path and what I am supposed to do. I just feel like I am going to have a 3rd child. somehow, someway. I don't WANT another relationship whatsoever anytime soon but I am almost positive my family is not complete yet. I am going to be 33 in July so there's no inherent rush of course. I am giving myself 2 more solid years to think it through, research, prepare, save $ for the equipment and sperm and plan. as well as make sure this is positivley what I want to do. (though I am pretty certain it is!)

Right now I am just in the research phase. though I have already even been browsing sperm banks and donors for several weeks. just getting an idea how it all works. It just seems to good to be true!! so far I am convinced I will be having another baby someday! and if all goes as planned I will start TTC with donor sperm sometime in 2009/2010, this is all tentative to life of course. I have some things I need to do before all this happens! I feel like I will be planning extra hard as it's only me..obviously this is true but I am up for the challenge. It has been super hard not to start obsessing over this. I have just put my self in a place where I will have to learn some patience once and for all. lol.

Most people IRL think I am a nut job over this, when I have mentioned it. little do they know I am pretty serious and likely will go through with this if I'm able. this baby will be very much wanted and loved. I have stopped talking about this much anymore with most folks IRL. it really hurts & crushes me that people think I am joking or this is a phase! wtf?!? or just no reaction at all is even worse. I am just a little frustrated. I need support, NOT opposition! who's life is this anyway? why should I NOT be allowed to have another baby w/out a relationship or husband if I am perfectly capable of caring for it and raising him/her perfectly fine? first of all I don't need anyone's permission or approval! I am really emotional over all of this right now. working through alot of things. Will be writing things and hashing them out here.

Thankfully I am getting some support thus far from my Mother and my EC sisters. so it's a start.

I have also decided I don't give a flying flip what anyone thinks of me or my choices. I am going to do what makes ME happy, one way or another. Nobody else has to live my life.

Anyway, I have started this blog to record this journey I feel I am at the beginning of..

I am not making this decision hastily! there are so many positives to having another baby and so few negatives IMHO! and why not?

of course I have gottten rid of most of our baby stuff already! and my beloved fertility monitor. oops!