hello! hello! hello!

Hi! I am a 32 year old single widowed mom of two wonderful kiddos. My oldest is 3yo and my baby is 20mo!

Before my DH died (Aug '05) he and I had planned on having one or two more babies. it's a hard dream to abandon. and latley it is just a knawing feeling that won't go away. DH & I used to joke about how baby obsessed I become when I decided I want to get pg. lol.

I have been thinking about using a sperm donor (self insemination) for over a year to possibly have a 3rd child on my own. I have put the thought aside but as time goes on I feel very strongly this is my path and what I am supposed to do. I just feel like I am going to have a 3rd child. somehow, someway. I don't WANT another relationship whatsoever anytime soon but I am almost positive my family is not complete yet. I am going to be 33 in July so there's no inherent rush of course. I am giving myself 2 more solid years to think it through, research, prepare, save $ for the equipment and sperm and plan. as well as make sure this is positivley what I want to do. (though I am pretty certain it is!)

Right now I am just in the research phase. though I have already even been browsing sperm banks and donors for several weeks. just getting an idea how it all works. It just seems to good to be true!! so far I am convinced I will be having another baby someday! and if all goes as planned I will start TTC with donor sperm sometime in 2009/2010, this is all tentative to life of course. I have some things I need to do before all this happens! I feel like I will be planning extra hard as it's only me..obviously this is true but I am up for the challenge. It has been super hard not to start obsessing over this. I have just put my self in a place where I will have to learn some patience once and for all. lol.

Most people IRL think I am a nut job over this, when I have mentioned it. little do they know I am pretty serious and likely will go through with this if I'm able. this baby will be very much wanted and loved. I have stopped talking about this much anymore with most folks IRL. it really hurts & crushes me that people think I am joking or this is a phase! wtf?!? or just no reaction at all is even worse. I am just a little frustrated. I need support, NOT opposition! who's life is this anyway? why should I NOT be allowed to have another baby w/out a relationship or husband if I am perfectly capable of caring for it and raising him/her perfectly fine? first of all I don't need anyone's permission or approval! I am really emotional over all of this right now. working through alot of things. Will be writing things and hashing them out here.

Thankfully I am getting some support thus far from my Mother and my EC sisters. so it's a start.

I have also decided I don't give a flying flip what anyone thinks of me or my choices. I am going to do what makes ME happy, one way or another. Nobody else has to live my life.

Anyway, I have started this blog to record this journey I feel I am at the beginning of..

I am not making this decision hastily! there are so many positives to having another baby and so few negatives IMHO! and why not?

of course I have gottten rid of most of our baby stuff already! and my beloved fertility monitor. oops!