it's been awhile

Well it's been awhile since I posted here. I was starting to accept the fact I may never have more children. Almost happily. Not so today..I think my clock is ticking here (Seriously!). All I can think about is sex lately but I also am so sad though. It's just awful and I can't even describe it cause it's so final and depressing. My youngest child is totally on the brink of shedding her babyness. It upsets me so deeply. Also the fact that I feel completely robbed. I feel like a spectator and not at all a participant in the last 2.5 years. It's so unfair. My memories are not clear at all on specifics, the baby books are blank and I feel like I have lost time.Then I have people say I should be grateful for what I have. (Not helpful) when I am mourning a dream, baby spirits and life. How can one be grateful?